u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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