How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
