found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
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