I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
