The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
