i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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