please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties