I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Found your dick twin last night
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
