The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
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Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
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you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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