I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
