i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
