Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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