Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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