apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
