Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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