Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
