yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
