with your own penis?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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