look no pants
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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