wat bout pragnant strippers??
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
