This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
foreskin is a definite game changer
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
