no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
