im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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