New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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