In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
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It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
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If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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