She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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