Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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