I met the friendliest cop last night
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
