so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
