I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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