We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
