The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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