I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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