I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
