mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
