good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
