My underwear smells like fireworks.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
