Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
