so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
