Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
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