Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
