I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
