youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
