How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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