god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
