Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
