I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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