I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
