And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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