I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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