Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
