haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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