I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
