i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
